Aging In America--Help! Anyone?

An Illinois judge just found to sisters, one in her forties the other in her fifties guilty of “criminal neglect of an elderly person”. The few facts in the story make their behavior sound horrible. Their 84-year-old mother was down to 70 pounds with ghastly bedsores. She was so malnourished that she had no resistance left for the pneumonia that killed her.
She also suffered from dementia and dehydration. Her sheets were filthy and she had a history of bladder cancer. The normal reader’s likely reaction will be that the sisters deserve whatever penalty they receive.
Not mine—not without a lot more information. As I’ve written before, I’ve been legally responsible for three adults, two of whom suffered from dementia and a raft of other conditions. As I read stories like this one, I can’t help but think, I could have been similarly charged.
The writer of the story possibly never faced the situations I have—so he didn’t think it necessary to answer a lot of questions.
One) Did the ladies have legal authority—had a court awarded them guardianship—over their mother? Without it, they could not have overridden their mother’s wishes (no matter how demented or simply unreasonable). They could not have, for instance, moved her into a nursing facility where she could receive 24-hour care.
Two) Did the two women have jobs, and did they need the income? If so, between working, commuting and sleeping, they would have had to leave mom alone for up to 16 hours a day.
Three) Were there other siblings with the will to obstruct (“you’re NOT putting mom in a nursing home!”) even if they took no part in mom’s care? That happens!
Four)Were there funds to seek legal assistance or in-home nursing care?
Five) Had the ladies gone to a pastor or a social agency seeking advice and assistance only to be turned away—“There’s nothing we can do”. “We cannot get involved”. Or “Isn’t it wonderful how your dear mother still wants to remain in her own home?”
Six) Did they have friends or sources of information, people who knew what was available in the system—and, speaking from knowledge, could tell them they were trapped, unable to do anything but leave mom in her home?
Seven) How far away did they live?
Our system for taking care of seniors can be a horror. In their elder years, my mother became a complete invalid, dependent on my father for her every movement out of bed. He took pride in caring for her and would allow no other help in the house.
In his late 70s he developed dementia. He no longer recognized his daughter-in-law and his increasingly clumsy puttering in the kitchen put everyone in danger. They refused—as was their legal right—any additional help or intervention. I lived an hour away, and they really didn’t want our help.
Letters from the IRS were piling up on the kitchen counter. Very little food was evident in the house. There were increasing signs that continence had been lost. Still, they refused any help or any thought of moving. I was desperate.
I called their pastor—who visited them regularly. He told me there was nothing he could do—and maundered on about how wonderful it was that they stayed in their home. He also ordered other elders of the church—some of whom called me in alarm and under the assumption that I might be unaware—not to get involved.
I called friends in Adult Protective Services. “There is nothing you can do,” they told me. “If you went into court to get guardianship, old people like that can pull it together just enough to earn the judge’s sympathy. You will lose.” (The judge, they suggested, would be likely to assume I was another greedy heir anxious to get my hands on their money.)
Things got worse. Much worse. I realized my mother was blind—the maid was writing all the cheques. The food situation stunk, as did the incontinence. I was suddenly terribly busy with a third relative for whom I was wholly responsible—and who was actively dying.
I bit the bullet, put out $2500 and went to a lawyer. He had just gone through an identical situation with his mother only a few blocks from mine—and was very sympathetic. He hired a “Guardian ad litem” to inspect my parents’ home.
Her report horrified even me. (When she arrived my father couldn’t find my mother. He had deposited her on the toilet and forgotten where he put her.) There was no unspoiled food in the house, etc. etc.
We went into court. The “Guardian” her observations. The judge wished me Good Luck and had me sign the papers that made me guardian and conservator. Two days later, I was negotiating with a nursing home to admit them when they collapsed and spent a night lying on the bathroom floor. I told the police sergeant who called me to take them to a hospital.
Days later they were in a nursing home. My father was beyond expressing any irritation toward me—but he did try to escape a few times (they altered the entire security system after one attempt). My mother never forgave me and regularly accused me of stealing her money.
I spent some of their money replacing all of their carpeting and some of the wall paper. The rest went to the nursing home. It was money I did not begrudge. The load was off my back!
Based on my own experience—and that of others I have learned of—I read news stories like this one with a lot of questions. And, no matter what these two ladies did or did not do, a great deal more sympathy than the inquest jury or the judge gave them.
Did they have $2500? Did they know whom to call? Did anyone offer to help them—or just offer them some guidance? Or were they left to their own increasingly inadequate devices. The story didn’t mention that. It just reminds me—I was blessed.